Many people use the phrase, "Life as we know it". When I think of this phrase I am beside myself because well I don't want to live life the life I know. I want to examine my life and improve it or change it.
Last night I ran media shout at my church for a ladies Christmas banquet (basically a fancy power point program). Now for the most part I really do not enjoy women's events. First I've been dragged to them all my life mostly my grandmothers church where growing up everyone squeezed my cheek and talked in front of me about how cute I or my sister was. Come on by the age of 5 you know when someone is talking about you. Don't treat me like I'm not standing there. And secondly now as an adult when I go I never know anyone and everyone already has there own little click. Hence what happens is I get stuck at a table with people I don't know and they don't know each other so we all eat in peace while watching everyone else laughing and joking with one another.
Last night was different though. I was behind the scenes and felt like I wasn't on display. I was a volunteer. Here the music in the back ground "dududuhah" okay so I tried to spell it. Moving on....
turns out that when all was said and done and the speaker was on and my job done I sat back ready for what I thought was going to be a boring speaker and snooze time for me. Kicking back relaxed in the tech booth . To my surprise the woman spoke on something that hit me so close to home I was on the edge of the tech booth step listening to every word! I even splurged and spent 20 dollars on her book about her story.
We all have a secret club she says. Here's was about her rape and that she now knows things she never wanted to know before, she now has a story when she never wanted a story, just a life with her children.
I have a secret club, one that only few know about and well I now know things I never wanted to know before. She spoke with such clarity over the pain she had gone through and over how hard it was to heal. It was the first person in a long time who said there was hope but that hope was very very hard to achieve.
Most people feel sorry for me or look at me differently, and say the dreaded "I know it's hard" but I wanted someone to hug me and tell me it's okay to feel the way I feel. It's okay to feel loss, despair, confusion. Once I get over this stage then come back and tell me there is healing.
I may be healing slowly, but I'm not ready to see that healing. Just let it happen, don't tell me what to feel or how because you don't know what it feels like to be in my secret club.
You may have a secret club yourself. Poverty, Rape, Abuse, affairs, Eating Disorders, and so many more. Know you are not alone!
God has a funny way of doing things. Why me is all I keep asking and he keeps telling me why not me. Look at how he suffered and he was the sun of God. Who am I to say I shouldn't suffer myself.
Those very words kill me to say. I don't want to suffer and every selfish bone in my body wants to say I'm worthy of a better life, I'm worthy of more money, nicer cars, and a thinner body. The truth is I'm worthy of nothing but death and that is a hard pill to swallow! So here is to being in a secret club where pain and sadness surrounds, but here is to God being right there in that secret club with me because well he had pain and abuse as well.
So back to my question, is this really life as we know it? NO I believe not because well I refuse to stay in this life. I will move on and although I will always be a member of this new club I've joined 2 months ago I refuse to dwell on the fact that I'm here. Life as I know it will always change.
