Thursday, December 01, 2005

No Words of Wisdom from this Mouth

My new hobby (which my husband tends to roll his eyes at) is crocheting. Don't ask me why, I've never liked sewing, and I've attempted to crochet in the past and it has ended up being the disaster that got away. However now I know three very strong stitches and have made 4 scarves and am currently about to finish a blanket.

Why all this talk about something so mediocre, well I'm finally good at something. I can finally do something my sister can't, that others enjoy and that makes me feel as if I've accomplished something. I can turn something so chaotic into something beautiful, well at least I hope beautiful.

Needless to say my crocheting does not allow me to do much of my other hobby; reading. Hence I have finally succumb to the laziness of getting from the library book on CD. Yes my eyes work fine and I have time to read yet I would rather crochet and watch TV or listen to music and then turn around and drive to work listening to someone read to me. HOW LAZY CAN ONE BE?? Very I might add.

Anyway I'm currently listening to a book by James Patterson. I love mystery's and psycho things. I was a psych major what can I say? You have to be crazy to help right? This book is about as whacked out and unrealistic a book I have ever read. But the feelings are so real that I can't stop listening.

Why is it that the most outrageous things in life are the ones that seem to touch us most? Why do we look to the unrealistic to deal with realism in our lives?

So no true words of wisdom....Only meaningless thoughts....Or are they so meaningless....Maybe they are a way to cope. Am I running? Am I hiding?

I think I'm for once in my life I am looking myself in the mirror and noticing what is truly there. No longer do I see the blank stare or the gray skin. Even though there is pain there is finally realism in my life. God has closed the curtain to my play and allowed me to finally be a real person. No more acting. What you see is what you get. Wounds or no wounds Jennifer is finally a real person.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

R ~ E ~ S ~ P ~ E ~ C ~ T

Respect, it's not such a hard thing to earn for the average person. You meet someone you give them the benefit of the doubt that they are a normal and decent human being and then through a short amount of time you form a level of respect. This level can start out small and insignificant, basically just a level of human decency, and as it grows it becomes higher.

The problem with respect is that in one instant it can be lost. You lie once and get caught, you break something, or you miss manage money, anything can happen and the respect you have earned from a person can be seen flying a mile a minute out the window. I look at it kind of like my dog. When she gets off her leash and is running around the house from the front yard to the back over and over again barking and laughing at my husband and I, it is impossible to know if and when we can catch her. Basically it boils down to her being caught when she wants to be. We don't know when she is going to calm down and return to the safety of our home. The harder we chase her the faster and farther she runs.

Respect in a sense is like this. Once you have a human moment (long or short moment) and make a mistake and see the respect leave you cannot chase after it. The harder you try and earn it the more evasive it becomes. Only when we relax and be who we are, love how we know how to love, and give space and honesty to the person we are attempting to gain respect from do we finally prove that we deserve to be RESPECTED.

Trust and respect are a gift from someone. God has instilled in us the ability to love and make decisions out of free will. Because we are human and do things to lose respect, should be not realize that we are human in trying to respect someone who has harmed us?

We may think because we love God and he is our best friend that things are hunky dorry however Paul is my role model at this time. He writes:

What anyone else dares to boast about am speaking as a fool I also dare to boast about. Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham's descendants? So am I. Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.

I pray thaI i never have to deal with what he went through. My spirit feels as though I have at times. Today is a new day with new ideas and new challenges. Bring it on God because right now only you can help me survive! As long as you know what is coming I'm okay with it.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Jazzy so to speak

I'm currently reading a book entitled "blue like Jazz" If you haven't heard of it, it is a non religious view of Christianity. I was intrigued when I first started reading it, but now I'm hooked. Why am I hooked on someone who may or may not believe the same things I do but sits down to explore and write about the topic anyway? Because the thoughts running through the author's head mimic my thoughts.

It's one of those revelations you get in high school when you finally find the courage to say something you think or feel and are scared stiff that no one will like you or understand. Then suddenly as if a portal opens and truth is revealed you find out that almost everybody in the room thinks or feels the same way you do. It is amazing! If you want to put a word to it.

Why are we so afraid of what others are going to think? We are all human. We were created to have opinions, ideas, and original thoughts. Just because your thoughts are not the same as mine does not mean that your opinion is any less than mine. However when we speak our minds we must not just ramble as if the words are worthless. The author, Donald Miller, writes about a C.S. Lewis poem he's read. A line in the poem reads "I talk of love-a scholar's parrot may talk Greek"

It took me a second to realize why this poem would be in the book but Miller continues to explain in his words, "I sat there above the city wondering if I was like the parrot in Lewis's poem, swinging in my cage, reciting Homer, and all the wile having no idea what I was saying. I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? He continues on, his point being that he is protesting selfish behavior yet he is very selfish himself.

It's amazing how our views can be so right yet our actions following those views can turn dangerously toward evil/wrong.

This weekend I felt weak inside. I felt as if my world was on the edge about to fall once again. I kept waiting for the gavel to fall yet it didn't. God is healing my wounds, but I'm so wounded that the healing is taking too long. With each wound that heals another one forms. It's as if I don't have enough "skin" to cover all the cuts. Where is God's skin graph machine? I need to heal. right now the raw wounds are killing me.

God hug me! Please! just hug me once and I know I can make it through another day.